Spring is in the air, and with that will come with an onslaught of beer tastings, festivals, and reviews. As we know, numbered rankings are something i think are an effective, empirical way of discussing and ranking beer! I’ve compiled a list below reviewing the best reviewers for you to review, so that you know (based entirely on someone else’s palate) which reviewer’s advice to listen to, which will help you, dear consumer, to know what beer to immediately jump in your car to go get, and which to avoid at all costs.
Ben Johnson – @Ben_T_Johnson
Ben lives in London, ON, which probably immediately removes any remaining credit or relevance he had to the beer scene. A 4-time Golden Tap award winner for his writing, Ben can be found passively judging things and people that do not fit his narrow view of “great”. Frequently seen indulging in different hobbies such as smoking cigars and barbecuing various meats, Ben is an ardent supporter of beers of all origins, including those of high-quality beer manufacturers ABInBev and Labatt. 3.75/5.
Robin LeBlanc – @TheThirstyWench/@WornOldHat
Robin hasn’t been heard from since The Great Binging of ’14, when she committed herself to rewatching every single episode of what she refers to as “The Scifi Ultimate Trifecta” – Dr.Who, Mystery Science Theater 3000, and Star Wars series (in Machete order). She was last seen attempting to make beer in her backyard using only old porridge and yeast she harvested from Jordan St.John’s hair. 2/5.
Jordan St. John – @Saints_Gambit / @Jordan.StJohn
Known for riding the coattails of great beer writers like BlogTO staff and The Sun’s Food and Drink section, Jordan is one of the louder-mouthed writers of this province. Most recently he was accused of stealing Robin LeBlanc’s script for The Ontario Craft Beer Guide two years in a row and publishing it, branding himself as a “co-writer”. It was later revealed that the guide was actually written by LeBlanc in collaboration with Josh Rubin, who is significantly more pleasant than St.John. He can be found often at Fionn McCool’s demanding to know when the last time they cleaned their lines was, or in the cemetery adjacent to his home, singing “I’m Henry the VIII, I Am” by Herman’s Hermits at an uncomfortably loud and invasive volume. 5/5.
Stephen Beaumont – @BeaumontDrinks
Stephen’s existence is debatable as he has never been seen in person, by anyone, ever. He has allegedly authored many beer books, all of which are very boring and not owned by very many people worldwide. In 2015, it was alleged that Mr.Beaumont did not actually like beer, and that his passion and purpose for worldwide travel was, in fact, finding the perfect bar stool to purchase for his own home bar (at which Appletinis are exclusively served). Shamed, he departed for Southeast Asia early this year to explore the newest technology in seating. 4.8/5.
Drunk Polkaroo – @DrunkPolkaroo
Robert aka Drunk Polkaroo got his name from when he attended a beer festival/chili cookoff, and ranked a friend’s chili 2/5, citing poor mouthfeel. The friend in question, dressed as Polkaroo for the children’s chili cookoff nearby, took exception to his snide commentary, and the argument came to fisticuffs. Since then, Robert has skyrocketed to the upper echelon of Instagram beer reviewers, known for his aggression and impatience towards those who disagree with him. 3/5.
Ontario Craft Beer Expert – @OntarioCraftBeerExpert
Easily the most credible resource in all of craft beer reviewing. Literally flawless execution, amazing photography, and perfect beer ranking. 6/5.
Lauren Richard – @BeerGirlCA
Lauren is a Cicerone, which is someone from the country of Cicerland. She keeps bringing it up. Known for her overwhelming appreciation for tacos, Lauren recently developed an allergy to beer not served from a short can. She is afraid of boiling water, cats, and anyone named Chris. 4.4/5
BAOS – @BAOSPodcast
Craig and Scott are most well-known among the Instagram and Snapchat beer communities. In 2017, Craig had his iPhone 7 permanently sewn to his right hand “purely for convenience, mate”, in a move he immediately regretted once iPhone 8 came out. Scott is notably the calmer and cooler of the two, which is displayed in his incredible politeness and tolerance of Craig’s incoherent rambling in an unidentifiable accent (which linguists predict is either Antarctic, or simply, not of this planet). However, they’ve inspired millions to try the #GetItInYa challenge, which challenges users to eat a can of their Get It In Ya! IPA they made with Sawdust City, tab and all. 4.5/5.
Mike Burton – @beermostly
Nothing but hot takes and a failed blog. Although, he occasionally posts insightful lyrics regarding heartbreak and the unfairness of life in general. He also hates on new beer trends which is super annoying. I mean, the guy doesn’t like Milkshark. Who cares what he thinks? 0.5/5.
In case you couldn’t tell or if a Google of someone’s name above brought you here, the above article is entirely satire. None of the writers included are bad people, and frankly, 99% of the above is entirely manufactured. April Fool’s Day falls on April 1 every year.